It’s funny, when I write in my journals at home , old school, pen and paper in the comfort of my natural surroundings, and with the comfort of knowing that I will be the only one (hopefully) to read about all my confused thoughts, sad yet enlightning discoveries,embarrassing moments, little white lies I told just yesterday, not once did I ever feel overwhelmed by opening up to, well, myself, being ‘honest’ with myself. But by starting my first blog ever, I must admit I feel rather nervous and scared.. Now, I’m wondering if I ever was actually honest with myself, maybe I sugar coated the truth of what I was REALLY feeling, just incase my journals would be found by my mother, best friend, fiance, who knows, I could’nt possibly live with the fact that the people closest to me would know the real me, of course not, thats just crazy talk..Wether that is a subconscous reality, or a subconscous insecure moment of fear of the thought of people knowing the core of me, and not liking it, wether this is true, I must admit writing this blog I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, but so excited in knowing that I will be completely honest and open , as I couldn’t possibly sugar coat myself knowing that this will be, indeed, read, It seems lying to myself about myself is absolutely ridculous and a waist of time, but i guess for those moments you find comfort , This blogging experience is a platform for me to open up and re discover myself, to remember what I have learnt over the years, to learn to love my weaknesses and to learn to love myself, face my demons head on, it all sounds selfish, I know, but remember, I promised to be open and honest.
I was driving yesterday, during what seemed to be the heart of winter, a very very cold evening, icy wind, heavy rain, dark monsterous clouds, traffic build up like you can’t believe, angry impatient drivers all around, hooting left , right and center. I unfortunatly had no music playing in my car to drown all this noise pollution and uneasy feeling. As we slowly moved forward, one rev at a time, I looked to my left in my rear view mirror and saw this man riding his bicycle (great idea for saving the planet and global melt down – but not in the rain), His clothes were drenched, the cap he wore was not protecting him from sun or rain, but rather absorbing all the rain resulting in large drops streaming into his eyes. The look on his face was strong, determined, tho it seemed he was shivering (or maybe that was my imagination to make things a bit more dramatic in my head), he just went for it, who knows how far he had to ride, maybe it was just to the end of the busy street. This man though, had an affect on me and the end of my day, I felt sad for him, I felt alone for him – if that even makes sense- So I thought, no need to feel this way, I can change it, make a difference. So in the space of 10 seconds while I was watching hi bike get closer and closer to my car I already figured out that I would put my back seats down to make more space for his bike and he could sit in the front with me with the heater blasting while I drive him to his destination. I sighed with relief feeling happy that I could help this man who may not even wanted help in the first place. Then it occured to me… what if he just came from a crime scene, what if last week he stole a car from some helpless lady at 10pm in the evening, what if he had a gun in his bag and would end up saying, ‘sweeeeet lady, you just made the biggest mistake by helping me’, throwing ME out MY car and riding HIS bicycle home while he basically,well, hijacked me. All these thoughts rushed to my frightened mind as I watched this probably harmless lamb of a man/murderer, hijacker guy, pass me by on his bicycle , soaking wet and cold.Anger set in, and bitterness surfaced. Because of crime in our country, in our world I cant be the best person I can be, because of crime I couldnt help what seemed, an innocent man, I wasn’t able to be one of God’s little helpers and keep this man warm and dry. I wish we lived in a world where we dont have to think twice about helping a complete stranger. Seriously, what is wrong with the world!!
